Nice Isn’t Always Good, and Kind Isn’t Always Easy

Last month, I posted a thread on my Bluesky account where I shared my thoughts on toxic positivity—when people dismiss negative emotions by flooding folks with feel-good affirmations instead of actually addressing what’s wrong. Is that kind of thinking wrong? Not necessarily. I wasn’t saying people should stop being positive. What I was saying is that folks need to be real with their emotions—acknowledging them instead of burying them under a pile of forced optimism.

I made a promise to myself to engage things head-on, no matter how uncomfortable it might be. No more pretending things are fine when they aren’t. No more forcing a smile or making myself smaller so other people don’t feel uncomfortable. But the more I sat with those thoughts, the more I realized this goes deeper.

We’ve been sold the idea that being nice is the most important thing. That keeping the peace is more valuable than saying what needs to be said. That politeness matters more than honesty. Is it wrong to be nice? Absolutely not. In fact, there are times when being nice or being polite may be absolutely warranted. But too often, people mistake niceness for kindness, as if they’re interchangeable. They aren’t. And understanding the difference matters more than most people realize.

I can’t tell you when I began this, but I started ending my “streams of consciousness” with a simple reminder: please be kind to yourself. Similar to how Jerry Springer used to sign off his show with “Take care of yourself and each other.” And while some might scoff at the idea of Springer—whose show thrived on chaos—being an optimist, there was always something bigger at play.

Okay, maybe not. The show was a ratings failure under its original format and didn’t gain momentum until it went full tabloid. But still, I digress.

Niceness and kindness are not the same thing. And pretending they are? That’s exactly how we end up in a world where people smile in your face but leave you to drown.

Breaking It Down: Niceness vs. Kindness

Niceness is about keeping things smooth—no conflict, no tension, no friction. It’s saying what people want to hear so nobody gets uncomfortable.

Kindness isn’t about making people feel good in the moment; it’s about actually doing good in the long run. And sometimes, that means making people uncomfortable. It means telling them what they don’t want to hear. It means stepping in, even when it’d be easier to stay out of it.

Niceness will let a friend self-destruct because “it’s not my place.” Kindness will sit them down and say, “You’re messing up. Let’s talk.”

Niceness tells you what you want to hear. Kindness tells you what you need to hear.

Niceness doesn’t rock the boat. Kindness will flip that whole thing over if it means saving someone from drowning.

And if that sounds dramatic, think about how many times people have chosen politeness over doing the right thing. Think about how often you’ve swallowed your own feelings because you didn’t want to seem rude.

Niceness is a mask. Kindness is a responsibility.

The Problem with Quick Judgments

We mistake niceness for goodness the same way we mistake appearances for truth. Someone who’s nice is easy to like upfront—just like someone with a friendly smile, a polished demeanor, or the "right" look. But that doesn’t mean they’re kind. Just like a person’s real character reveals itself over time, real kindness isn’t something you can spot in a single moment. It requires time, consistency, and depth.

Just like we judge people at face value based on a smile or how they dress, we judge actions at face value too. Niceness gives us an immediate answer—it feels good, looks good, and doesn’t challenge anything. But kindness isn’t always obvious at first. It takes patience to see it for what it is.

It’s the same way people make snap judgments based on what’s immediately visible instead of looking at the full distribution of who someone really is. We gravitate toward what’s easy to process. A well-dressed person must be competent. A quiet person must be distant. A smiling person must have good intentions.

But just like how data spreads across a distribution, people’s true character isn’t defined by one snapshot in time. Someone who appears distant at first might be the most loyal friend you’ll ever have. Someone who flatters you constantly might not have your best interests at heart. And someone who holds you accountable—who challenges you, who calls you out when necessary—might not always feel nice, but that’s the person who actually cares.

If we’re only rewarding people for being nice, we’re only rewarding surface-level interactions, not real integrity.

Niceness as a Social Expectation

The expectation to be nice doesn’t fall on everyone the same way.

Women are expected to be agreeable, to smile through discomfort, to avoid being “difficult.” Black people are expected to be non-threatening, to shrink themselves, to avoid pushing back too much or risk being labeled angry or aggressive. Customer service workers are expected to take disrespect with a grin. Marginalized people are expected to be “nice” because the second they’re not? They’re punished.

Black men and women who assert themselves get labeled hostile or aggressive. Workers who push back on unfair treatment get called ungrateful or insubordinate. People who set boundaries in relationships get called cold or selfish.

Niceness isn’t just a social expectation—it’s a tool of control.

Kindness? Kindness doesn’t ask you to shrink yourself.

The Real Challenge: Are You Being Nice or Are You Being Kind?

Take a moment to check yourself. Are you going along to simply get along, or are you acting in the best interests of others—not just for your own benefit? Do you genuinely care about others, or are you just trying to make yourself feel better in their presence?

There’s nothing wrong with showing up for others. But before you do, ask yourself—are you showing up in a way that truly helps, or just in a way that looks good? Kindness isn’t about being seen doing the right thing. It’s about actually doing the right thing, even when no one’s watching.

This is only the beginning. After acknowledgment comes acceptance, followed by action. That’s a whole other conversation, though.

Hopefully, when you see me say “please be kind to yourself,” you have more perspective on why I use that phrase. I believe that if you are kind to yourself, you’ll have no choice but to be kind to others. Because real kindness means seeing yourself in others—and if you see yourself in someone else, you may think twice about how you treat them.