The Privilege and Caucasity Continues

Not exactly how I planned to spend my Sunday at all but here we are....

So I just read The Ethicist, which is published by New York Times Magazine and written by columnist Kwame Anthony Appiah. The title of the entry that I am referring to is "As a White Man, Can I Date Women of Color to Advance My Antiracism?"

I am not too familiar with the columnist at all, although at a glance, he appears to be somewhat seasoned. All of that aside, I had to pause for a minute after reading this particular entry. I was able to catch it as a free preview as it was being shared on Bluesky but you may be able to find a way to view it online somewhere without the paywall (or if you feel like supporting NYTM, then subscribe for a $1/week).

The very first question that I have is this: are folks out here really using dating “WOC” as an antiracism strategy? Granted, this is just one person asking another person a question regarding dating "WOC" but it got me to thinking if there's more folks that want to ask the same question but don't want to be framed as a racist, opportunist or in any other "negative" way.

I want to start with this whole “WOC" thing. Does he mean Black women specifically? Or is this a catch-all for any woman that isn’t white? In this day and age, I'm gonna need people to be specific about shit. I'm removing certain terms and phrases that are used to group folks together like "BIPOC" or "POC" or whatever people want to refer to anyone that does not identify as being white (which in itself is a topic that warrants its own series). Or is he just running the “progressive white guy x Black woman” starter pack? But for purposes of this post, I'll be the Huckleberry and use the exact term that was used in the column.

My initial feeling is that the person asking the questions is treating dating like a side mission on GTA V. Like, here's the "Antiracism Quest" that promises to unlock all kinds of goodies. I didn't get a sense that he cared anything about love, attraction or mutual respect. It gives "I'm trying to look good in the eyes of the public". The way he went on to compare his like for women to trying new foods though? Fucking gross. Dehumanizing even. Oh and framing his desire to date "WOC" as a way to "combat implicit bias"? It'd be laughable if it weren't so damn pathetic.

What comes to mind here is the power imbalance. He admits he’s leveraging his privilege—economic, educational, family connections. But for who? His partner? Or, as I alluded to before, his self-image? He also shared this zinger: "I grew up around white folks, and I need a ‘WOC’ to teach me how not to be racist."

That's not love. That's not romance. That’s an unpaid internship in DEI labor. Folks getting fired left and right for that these days though, right? This does beg the question—what happens if the relationship gets hard? Does she stop being a partner and become an educator? Does she have to navigate his white fragility on top of everything else? Is she supposed to soothe him when he realizes that the world is uglier than he thought?

If he just preferred dating “WOC” that’d be one thing. But it really feels like he needs it to mean something more. To make him better. To prove his progressiveness. And, for me, that’s the problem.

Oh, and all of this is being asked with this being Black History Month as the backdrop. Gotta fucking love it. Rather than reflecting, reading, or supporting Black voices, he is centering himself—because even his “antiracism” is about him. Mr. Appiah kinda checked him but also gave him an out. “Maybe some women will appreciate your privileges.” That’s like saying, “Sure, some people might enjoy being a museum exhibit.”

This whole thing reeks of performative allyship. There’s a whole breed of folks who treat activism like a lifestyle trend—who think that subscribing to all the “right” beliefs, dating the “right” people, and curating the “right” image somehow absolves them of deeper introspection. But allyship isn’t about optics. It’s not about proving to the world—or yourself—that you’re one of the good ones.

Dating across cultures should be about mutual connection, not some social justice challenge mode. If your partner is an experience to be had rather than a person to love, you’re already wrong. You don’t fight racism by collecting people like fucking Pokemon. Date who you’re attracted to, not who checks a box on your “growth” journey. Otherwise, you’re just objectifying in a new, more insidious way.